


Extenuating Circumstances

by Alona



Category: Nero Wolfe - Rex Stout
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 22:26:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15650142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alona/pseuds/Alona
Summary: Getting married in order to cover up a crime is itself a crime and not recommended unless you and your partner are too strong-minded/pig-headed to admit that you just want to get married.*





	Extenuating Circumstances

**Author's Note:**

> *Not legal advice. 
> 
> There was a prompt, I had a feeling, 1.5k of fluff instantly came into being. As you do.

Reader, I married him; the circumstances were extenuating but not exigent. 

The worst that could have happened, dismissing the possibility of the state putting together an airtight case against me without his testimony, was Wolfe getting slapped with a contempt of court charge—a triumph for our friends and enemies at Manhattan Homicide and the DA's office and a crushing blow to his convenience but not, after all, a catastrophe. And as Nathaniel Parker pointed out at our late night war council, it was still on the table: the courts apparently took the view that getting married in order to discuss a crime you intended to commit was against the public interest. Wolfe took the view that the (purely hypothetical, you comprehend) crime I was meditating on our client's behalf would unambiguously benefit the public, and I might have added more but didn't, to spare us the embarrassment. Parker said, "It's your funeral," and Wolfe replied, "It's my wedding." Parker stopped arguing shortly thereafter and left so I could get on with making a few urgent phone calls and spend some quality time with the City Clerk's Office's website. 

It was drizzling the next morning when we set out. Because the schedule was full, Wolfe had had to give up his morning appointment with the plants so we could leave shortly after breakfast. He was in his room when I went up to him. He was already dressed, in his best suit as I was in mine, sitting on his bed looking huge and tense. 

"Saul says I'm under no circumstances allowed to drive myself to my own wedding." Saul's voice had sounded interesting pronouncing those last words; I am pleased to report that I did better. "You know he drives just as well as I do." 

"I have the utmost respect for Saul's abilities, but I haven't found that to be the case. However, in these circumstances he is undoubtedly in the right. Very well. Saul will drive us." 

I went back downstairs to communicate my success to Saul. I happened to agree with him; also, I was charmed by the idea that Wolfe would have to put up with being driven by someone other than me, in a rainstorm (the streets were slightly damp), or else call it all off—and he hadn't called it off. 

When we had climbed out in front of the City Clerk's Office, I remarked, "I'm looking forward to giving my mother a call. She'll be delighted to hear you're making an honest man of me at last." 

I got a glare for my trouble and grinned back. 

There were enough moving parts involved, and the schedule was tight enough, that I was feeling nervous. We left Saul, along with Fred Durkin, outside to park the car and keep an eye out for Judge Herrera. The judge had once dined at Wolfe's table and had an embarrassing theft resolved by me; she was therefore willing to come out first thing in the morning to be on hand to supply a waiver for the twenty-four hour waiting period. 

Judge Herrera performed admirably. She had already arrived by the time Wolfe and I had obtained the license, and the waiver took no longer that it should have. I had found the most spacious chair in the public parts of the building for Wolfe to wait in, though I'd have gone hunting for a better one if things had dragged out much longer, for both our good. The strain of not betraying by a single twitch that he was nervous was telling on him as clearly as on me: wasted effort, you might be saying, but I say, what's a marriage without a bit of mystery?

He spoke once as we waited together. 

"There are other avenues for obtaining the evidence. Neither so sure nor so expedient, but perhaps safer. If you wish, Archie, we can go home to regroup. There is the chance that the evidence will be destroyed in the meantime, or the client's impatience will lose us our fee." 

"In fact, it's a lousy idea. I don't wish, as it happens, and neither do you. Look, there's the judge. They're through." 

The ceremony, held right there in front of a city official, was brief and decorous. Saul and Fred were our witnesses, as planned. Fred's manly tears did him credit, I'm sure, and it was probably just as well Saul wasn't called on to speak. Fritz had volunteered to witness as well, but naturally Wolfe couldn't agree to that; someone had to stay to look after the house and get lunch started. 

There was no kiss. Wolfe wouldn't have planted one on me in public, which for him that room was, for any fee in the world, and I wouldn't have expected it of him. In private it was another matter.

After handshakes and congratulations had been exchanged, Wolfe and I retired to the car, which with his usual luck Saul had found a place for by the curb just down the street. We were strictly practical, or nearly so. 

Wolfe began: "Yesterday afternoon, I introduced the hypothetical of a crime that would resolve our conundrum at once. I propose to discuss it now, not hypothetically."

We did: he had his own suggestions, and I had been thinking it over, and we were able to agree on the best course. Let anyone say our communications weren't prompted by "affection, confidence, and loyalty." 

It was after ten that night when Inspector Cramer burst into the office at Fritz's heels. 

"Thank you, Fritz. Mr. Cramer, we've been expecting you. Please be seated." 

Cramer remained on his feet. "You've gone too far this time, the pair of you." 

"As you please." Wolfe shrugged. He stretched out his hand. We hadn't choreographed it, but I passed the envelope to him at the same time he reached for it. He nodded his thanks. "Inspector Cramer, these are the documents I promised you when you so boorishly importuned me yesterday morning. You'll find them stimulating reading, and they supply more than adequate grounds for an arrest." 

Cramer could take the envelope or stand there looking ridiculous, and he walked right up to Wolfe's desk and took it. He still didn't sit. He lifted the flap on the envelope and glanced in; his red face got redder. "There's no way you could have gotten your hands on these legally." He turned a glare on me. "You did this, Goodwin. You're going down for it." 

"If you say so, Inspector," I said, grinning. 

That only made him angrier. He rounded on Wolfe. "And you! You put him up to it! All your guff about being a law-abiding citizen, and look at you! Don't think I'm letting it go, whatever's in this envelope. I'll get you on the stand if I have to, and you can testify or rot." 

I leaned forward. It was hard not to applaud; he'd given Wolfe the perfect lead-in. 

"You're being offensive, sir, but I suppose you can't help it. There's no occasion for it, when I have only completed a commission for my client and in doing so placed the means into your hands of apprehending a dangerous criminal. Yet you insist on hounding me. You would be a greater simpleton than I take you for if you chose to pursue this senseless grudge. No case you bring against my husband can possibly stand. My testimony would certainly do you no good." 

I missed Cramer's reaction; I was too busy having a reaction of my own. I can't even tell you how well Wolfe pulled it off. I record his concluding sentence to complete the record only: I barely heard it, and Cramer not at all. He spluttered. His face compressed. He pointed a finger at Wolfe, who said, calmly, "I allow it's natural for you to be surprised, but I assure you this isn't flummery on my part. This morning Archie and I were married at the City Clerk's Office. If you'd like to see documentation we can supply it. Otherwise, you can take those papers and leave us. It's late." 

Cramer had recovered sufficiently to attempt speech. "This is crap, Wolfe, and you know it. It'll never stick. Just you wait." 

And he turned and strode out. I didn't even wait to hear the front door slam before I burst out laughing. 

When I had recovered, Wolfe said, "It was an unfortunate performance. Will he charge you?"

"Call it ten to one against. Cramer knows he'll make a fool of himself over this—or we'll make a fool of him—and it's not worth it to him to humiliate us." 

He nodded. "I would tend to agree. In any event I doubt whether Mr. Cramer will recover sufficiently from his shock to take any action until morning." 

"He might remember to congratulate us then. Maybe send a melon-baller or something." 

Wolfe snorted. "Come now, Archie. Mr. Cramer knows us better than that." He paused. The next words were painful for him to speak. "An avocado scoop." 

(It was a coffeemaker that Fritz refused to have in the house, and it came two weeks later, when it was clear Cramer had no intention of arresting me.) 

Wolfe rang for beer. I crossed my legs and leaned back in my chair. 

The wedded bliss was off to a roaring start.


End file.
